The Border Collie Chronicles

Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs;
(but, without question, the bestest friends!)
or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop.

Posted May 25, 2017

Dear Annie (part 2)

Responses to our Reader’s questions posed to Our Own Dear Sweet Annie (or we might have searched out old Dear Abby’s![i])



Dear Annie:  Do you think a mother should take her 14-year-old son to get a tattoo or do you think he is old enough to go alone?  Please answer before Saturday.  This is important. - Must Know

Dear Must:  If the boy is old enough to get a tattoo — he is old enough to go alone.  In this case he is neither.



Dear Annie:  When I was going with Irwin he gave me a parakeet, which I taught to say “Irwin.”  Well, Irwin and I broke up and now I am going with a fellow named Ronnie.  When Ronnie comes over, the parakeet keeps on saying, “Irwin, Irwin,” and of course, Ronnie doesn’t like it.  What should I do? - Beth

Dear Beth:  Either teach the parakeet to say “Ronnie,” or give Irwin the bird.



Dear Annie:  My husband has always been very close to his mother and she has never cared much for me.  I asked my husband if I was drowning and his mother was drowning which one would he save?  He said “My mother because I owe her more.”  I am so terribly hurt, Annie.  What shall I do? - Arlene

Dear Arlene:  Learn to swim.



Dear Annie:  My problem is my husband.  He wears false teeth — uppers and lowers — and he thinks it’s real funny to take them out at parties and do a Spanish dance using them as castanets.  He thinks he is being the life of the party — but I’m embarrassed to death.  Should I keep him away from parties, or should I just tell him that he isn’t funny? - Marsha

Dear Marsha:  Let him have a good time … I think it’s hysterical.



Dear Annie:  My boyfriend took me out for my twenty-first birthday and wanted to show me a very special good time.  I usually don’t go in much for drinking, but since it was an occasion to celebrate, I had three Martinis.  During the dinner we split a bottle of champagne.  After dinner we each had two brandies.  Did I do wrong? - Blondie

Dear Blondie:  Probably.



Dear Annie:  I am 44 years old and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. - Rose

Dear Rose:  So would I.



Dear Annie:  Do you think about dying much?  - Curious

Dear Curious:  No, it's the last thing I want to do.



Dear Annie:  When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard a lot about you"? - Rita

Dear Rita:  It depends on what you've heard.



Dear Annie:  What would you do with a man who refuses to use a deodorant, seldom bathes, and doesn’t even own a toothbrush? — Stinky’s Wife
Dear Wife
:  Absolutely nothing!



Dear Annie:  What do you say to a niece with brown eyes and coal black hair who is married to a man who also has brown eyes and coal black hair and just gave birth to a baby boy with blue eyes and light blond hair? — Curious Uncle
Dear Curious
:  “Congratulations!”



Dear Annie:  My husband sleeps in his underwear.  He wears the long woolen kind, and he sleeps in the same underwear he’s worn all day.  The problem is getting him to change it.  Annie, there are four sets of clean underwear in his drawer, but he won’t put on a clean pair without a fight.  I can’t even get the underwear away from him to put in the wash.  Don’t tell me to grab it when he’s in the bathtub.  He doesn’t bathe much either.  Please help me.  He’s getting pretty ripe. — Holding My Nose
Dear Holding
:  Look at it this way.  You don’t have to worry about another woman stealing him.  And he’s easy to find in the dark.  But if you want action, try begging, nagging, and leaving!  And in that order.



Dear Annie:  I have been married for exactly one month:  The other night I discovered that my wife uses mayonnaise on her hair before she goes to bed.  She has the preposterous idea that it makes her hair grow faster.  She claims that lots of women use it.  Annie, please help me as I don’t care to smell mayonnaise at night. — New Husband
Dear New
:  There are hair conditioners on the market that are more effective and smell better.  Tell your wife that when you go to bed with a tomato, you prefer to do it without the mayonnaise.



Here are some that I REFUSED to answer:



Dear Annie:  I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.



Dear Annie:  I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.



Dear Annie:  I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything - and said it would never happen again.



Dear Annie:  Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?






[i] Pauline Friedman Phillips, better known by her pen name, Abigail Van Buren, died on January 16, 2013 at age 94.  She was born 17 minutes after her identical twin sister, Esther Lederer, and published her first Dear Abby column in 1956, three months after Esther's debut as Ann Landers.


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