Border Collie Chronicles

Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs;
(but, without question, the bestest friends!)
or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop.


Posted July 2, 2015

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Handey[i] Thoughts …

By Bubba

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  As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks".  Annie said it should read, "Watch for Pretty Rocks".  I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was just a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter!  And I thought I was lazy!

 

  It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the extra long weekends.

 

  If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

 

  Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.  That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

 

  The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe: "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

 

  Home is where the house is.

 

  Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

 

  As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

 

  I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

 

  It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.  No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

 

  If you ever get recruited into ISIS, a common mistake is to pronounce their name, "is, is".  Boy, they really hate that.

 

  If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

  If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

  To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"  You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks".

  The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

  If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry.  That's as far as it shoots."

  Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.

  I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

  If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

  To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

  I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

  Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?

  Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

  I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

  I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.  And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

  Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind".  What do these words mean?  It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

  If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

  It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I guess that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

  If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.  (Editor's Note:  All of us on this place have seen this happen (on multiple times!)!  Your wives have too!  You may not remember it ... but they have!)

  As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.

  Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

  What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?  And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.  (Editor's note:  Except for the park and money deal ... this actually happened around here "once" ... dad booked a surprise trip to the Islands for mom-D one Sunday evening/night in 2004 (the very first one ... stuffed Roo didn't make that one!) and then when he woke up the next morning he found out that passports and/or birth certificates were strongly recommended ... he didn't have either ... hmmmm, how to keep the surprise? ... maybe mom-D will write an article ... maybe our readers should encourage her!)

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[i] Jack Handey an American humorist.  He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes.  Deep Thoughts were first seen in National Lampoon in 1984 though they gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.  (Editor's Note:  He also sues people that use his quotes too ... if he sues us, he'll need to serve my assistant, Killer ... errrr, I mean Gall!)

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