The Border Collie Chronicles

Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs;
(but, without question, the bestest friends!)
or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop.


 Posted January 28, 2016

 

Mas Handey[i]

By Bubba

 

Sorry folks … but Jack does have a LOT of good “stuff” out there! (and we do have more!!!!)

 
* When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.  But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

 

* Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.  Then on the way out, slam the door.

 

* One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

 

* I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that's a documentary.

 

* I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

 

* The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink.  But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere.  "Uh-oh," he thought.  "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

 

* Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

 

* Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap.  The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.  But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

 

* If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

 

* What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby?  Maybe we'll never know.

 

* Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

 

* If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

 

* If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

 

* Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger.  He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure.  I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know."  He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long."  But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long."  But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all."  I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane.  It was a little long, though.

 

* When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.  Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

 

* Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

 

* Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.  First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

 

* Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.

 

* Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"?  I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

 

* Many people think that history is a dull subject.  Dull?  Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it?  You call that dull?

 

* I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

 

* If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

 

* If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

 

* Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays?  Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

 

* At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.  But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "I did," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

 

* Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before.  But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter.  Wait.  It's not love I'm describing.  I'm thinking of a monorail.

 

 

And remember …

 

* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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Love to all …

 

Bubba the dog

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[i] Jack Handey an American humorist.  He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes.  Deep Thoughts were first seen in National Lampoon in 1984 though gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.

 

 

 

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