The Border Collie Chronicles

Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs;
(but, without question, the bestest friends!)
or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop.


Posted December 7, 2017
 
 

Quantum Handey[i] Thoughts …

By Bubba

 

Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could've become beer.

 

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:  First take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

 

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.  That's a common mistake.  You have to let nudity "happen".

 

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it.  So sue me."

 

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.  But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

 

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder.  But not any man is capable of being a good camper.  So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

 

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise.

 

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

 

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky."  Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

 

I bet when neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, 'Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.'  Then they would get all embarrassed because they remembered they had the big husky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

 

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.  No, I didn't.  Just kidding.  I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out.  Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that.  Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

 

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.

 

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy.  I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

 

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.  To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

 

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person.  Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark.  And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small.  But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.

 

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be “Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something”.

 

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class.  It's just too rich a subject.

 

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong, though.  It's Hambone.

 

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

 

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

 

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help", she could do it.

 

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven.  It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.

 

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

 

 

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And Remember Kiddos:

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The act of stretching and yawning is called pandiculation.

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Quantum Handey Picture






[i] Jack Handey an American humorist.  He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes.  Deep Thoughts were first seen in National Lampoon in 1984 though gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.







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