The Border Collie Chronicles

Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs;
(but, without question, the bestest friends!)
or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop.


 Posted August 11, 2016

 

Tres Handey[i]

By Bubba

 

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long.  Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had.  It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it.  And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

 

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

 

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

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If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?  Trust me, it's not.

 

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!

 

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.  It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

 

Gall was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group."  "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.

 

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol?  How about the pillow?  It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

 

I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside.  I knew what was coming.  "You don't have to tell me," I said.  "I'm off the team, aren't I?"  "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet.  You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times."  It was all true what he was saying.  And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach.  He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold.  But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

 

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.

 

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this:  Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet.  Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!"  I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

 

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much.

 

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

 

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

 

I'm not sure I want to get the nickname "The Love Machine," because how does that affect my nickname now, which is 'The Lawn-Cutting Machine'?

 

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

 

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

 

Laugh, clown, laugh.  This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

 

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

 

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.  And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it.  Good magic trick, huh?

 

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion.  Truth is real.  And, at the same time, unreal.  Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'.  This is truth, to me.

 

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

 

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

 

 

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And Remember Kiddo’s:

 

Not all chemicals are bad.  Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example,

there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

 

 

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Wishing all of you a WONDERMOUS Week!!!













[i] Jack Handey an American humorist.  He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes.  Deep Thoughts were first seen in National Lampoon in 1984 though gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.

 

 

 

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