The Border Collie Chronicles

Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs;
(but, without question, the bestest friends!)
or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop.

Posted October 17, 2013

State Fair Pics ...
What If 01

What If 02

What If 03

What If 04

Obligatory Buppy Pictures
What If 05

What If 06

What If 07
Donald's "favorite"?!

What If 08

What If 09

The Great Windmiller's At Work
"The First Paying Job"
(I Don't Remember Getting Paid Though!
- and D worked too!!)
What If 11

Tractor Pics - These Are Classics!!
What If 12

What If 13


What If …


--- Yeah!  If you’re like me, you have quite a few “what if’s” … D and I made a trip to the State Fair the other day (I started this article on October 6th, anyway, you know that since she is laid off and all, so we decided to go spend some money … ? – that’s what our Congress is doing … right???!!) … anyway, we took the time to drive by some (most) of the places that I called home while growing up!  It was really a pretty cool, kinda sad, sentimental kind of journey – which really did surprise me.  Some of the places (houses and churches) haven’t changed one bit (it did kind of surprise me that the churches didn’t show much change (one is actually smaller than it was when I was in grade school!) – then we also visited with some old friends and shared some laughs.  Even though we didn’t reminisce as much as I would’ve liked – I certainly did get to thinking on the drive back to “God’s Country” … What If … ???  I’m guessing that this is a pretty common thing for us to think about sometimes, and I reckon that’s ok – AS LONG as we don’t obsess on it, or make some silly attempt to try and recreate what DIDN’T happen (it probably wouldn’t have worked out the way that we visualize it now – maybe it all happened the way it did for a reason!)  Now, as long as it’s only a fleeting thought and not an obsession – I think that I’m of the belief that playing these “what if” games is probably a good thing to do.  It doesn't necessarily mean that you don’t like what IS – you’re just imagining, you know p’likin[i].


Well, anyhow, the idea for this little ramble is that as we were coming back home through the little country towns, I got hungry for some Arby’s[ii].  Since we were in the new truck, I had D “call” OnStar and quiz the operator (her name was Debbie) on the availability of Arby’s along our trajectory (we were flying pretty low as I had been gone from my buppies for almost 5 days!).  Well, we were unsuccessful – and D was a little “put out” about calling OnStar for a restaurant guide since she thought of them kinda like 911 or your car insurance company – only to be called in an emergency!  That might be, but “our” OnStar lady was quite nice about looking up Arby’s for us, and besides, I like it when my car insurance company gives me a gimme cap or koozie every so often!


So, after we ate at Long John Silver’s, D fell asleep and I got to pondering whether it was appropriate to accost the nice folks at OnStar for restaurant suggestions.  And I remembered when I’ve heard folks call 911 on television, the operator answers “This is 911, what is your emergency?” (emphasis added) and the folks at OnStar answer, “This is OnStar, how may I help you?”  This seemed like conclusive proof to me, but I kept on pondering on whether we were abusing the OnStar folks.  Well, after we got home and I finally got D to wake up, I then completed five days worth of chores, and then I attempted a little research on what WAS and WAS NOT appropriate to ask the nice folks at OnStar …


Unfortunately, my research was inconclusive (and I am now upset that I didn’t get a Federal Grant to assist me in covering the cost of the research – heck they could’ve at least covered the beer cost!)[iii] … but I did get to wondering … What If … well, you see it’s starting to turn cool here, fall is in the air, and as I got to thinking about all of the mischief that we could’ve gotten into “back in the day” with OnStar!  WOW!!  Would’ve been FUN … and maybe even helpful at times too! 


[Editor’s Note:  Rooney here – Now the fine print on our home page suggests that our readers read these posts from the bottom up to enlighten your understanding and potential amusement with our stories.  Up until this point, it has only been a suggestion for you to understand the little nuances and stories behind the scenes; however, for the balance of this story, PLEASE, for your maximum story amusement, read (or re-read) “One Night in October … (way back when)” published on this fine site on October 11, 2012.  Thank You and Have a Nice Day!]


What If … we would’ve had OnStar back on that (now infamous) night in October … ??!!!!  You know, that night that Donald got DRONK (no, that wasn’t a typo – he wasn’t just drunk, he was DRONK!!), drove home, high centered his truck on some blow sand, thought that he had flipped it (since he was laying upside down in the passenger floorboard) and managed to find his phone and call me for assistance?  Well, for one thing, for sure, the poem would have certainly been longer!




Oh S___, Oh S___, I’m Upside Down

(P’Likin it’s a modern day prequel to One Night In October

as perceived that Donald would've wrote it THAT night)


Oh S___, oh S___, I’m upside down!

Drinkin’, Drivin’ – now I’m wearing the Crown!

What to do?  I’ve got to get home!

Not too sure where I am, and I’d hate to roam.

Bill’s asleep, who should I call?

How about OnStar?  They know it all!

So I push the button and wait for an answer –

Wonder what she looks like, I bet she’s a dancer!

The call is answered, and a voice does appear,

Comes the response, “How may I help you, my name is Amir”!

I reply, “Oh crap … I thought you were all girls!

Slender and sweet, with hair full of curls!”

He says, “I am capable, if you allow me to assist.”

I said, “Hell no! As I clenched my fist.”

He then tells me that my sensors have been activated,

And I just get mad, and more aggravated!

I say “I want a girl, with a sexy voice!”

Amir responds, “You don’t have a choice.”

He again states that he would be happy to assist,

As my face just turns red, and I really get pissed!

I say, “What’s your company worth?  I’ll buy it today!

Fire all of you, and just stack it with hay!”

Amir begins to get mad, I can practically hear his frown –

He tells me that his data shows that I am NOT upside down.

He gives me two options, he’ll call a friend or the cops!

Smartass Amir, I’d really like to bust his chops!

I then said with a little giggle, “Ah hell, let’s call Billy!”

But I knew when Bill answered, he’d say, “Now REALLY??!!”



Well, you readers know the rest of that story!  Believe it or not, there’s still lots of secrets that you’ll never know and that I'll never tell!!!![iv]


Maybe I ought to just call up that nice OnStar Lady … err, I mean operator, and ask them what is appropriate to ask them!  But don’t do that with 911 though – they really do get kinda upset!


Remember, just smile at someone, pat a dog, hug your spouse, help a neighbor, help a stranger, get involved in something worthwhile, but remember, EVERY DAY, you need to share a laugh with a friend!!!  You can make a difference - START NOW!!!!!!!!







[i] P’Liking:  A term which is short for “Play Like”.  Remember when you were a kid and used to “play like” you were the superhero or famous cowboy?  It’d probably be good for some of us adults to “p’like” a little more often.  Quote attributable to Hondo Crouch, one-time mayor (ie - owner) of Luckenbach.


[ii] Did you know that Arby’s began on July 23, 1964 in Boardman, Ohio and they have restaurants in 48 states (sorry Vermont and Rhode Island) as well as in 5 countries (US, Canada, Turkey, UAE, and Qatar).  Also, the Classic Roast Beef is the most popular sandwich (though I really like the Ruben!)  Source:


[iii] Exotic dancers, robotic squirrels, and a reality TV show in India—your tax dollars have supported all of these.  Read about this … and MORE, at


[iv] “Well, I know you like a brother.   And I know you as well.  There's some things we could talk about, some things we'd never tell.  A few things in particular, an episode or two.   I could write a book about you.”  I Could Write A Book About You as sung by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson








Happy Thirsty Thursday, my Friends!!





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