The Border Collie Chronicles

Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs;
(but, without question, the bestest friends!)
or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop.


 Posted October 6, 2016

 

“Handey’er” [i] Thoughts (but still kinda dark) …

By Annie

 

Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!
 

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake.  Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help.  A lot of guys will start crying.  That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

 

Children need encouragement.  If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.  That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

 

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

 

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins.  Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

 

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

 

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?"  When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed.  I don't think people should make you feel that way.

 

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other.  I myself have been guilty of this.  When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire.  When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress."  Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

 

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.

 

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

 

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.

 

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection.  I guess that's what I hated about him.

 

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

 

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

 

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because … what is that thing?

 

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!

 

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy.  Forget it, little friend.

 

I don't like small birds.  They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent.  But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe.

 

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings.  But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

 

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

 

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

 

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

 

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

 

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet.  Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

 

 

 

 



[i] Jack Handey an American humorist.  He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes.  Deep Thoughts were first seen in National Lampoon in 1984 though gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.

 

 

 

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