The Border Collie Chronicles

Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs;
(but, without question, the bestest friends!)
or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop.

Posted August 28, 2014

A Few Minutes With …

(a collection of quotes by Andy Rooney[i])


Andy Rooney has always been one of dad’s favorites – dad tells us about staying with Auntie Helen and Uncle Connie (Mommy 2 and Daddy 2 for many years), a LONG time ago, and while sitting in his Uncle Connie’s lap during 60 Minutes, he had him explain what Andy was talking about on TV (if you ever knew Uncle Connie, this might explain A LOT!!!).  In compiling this collection of quotes from all over the internet, we have sort of noticed a definite “Andy Influence” in dad’s writings and ramblings.  You (and we) may not agree with all of them, but give them a thought or too and see what YOU think!!!



  • “Anyone who likes golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.”

  • “Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.  I hope you are too.  The thought for the day is share the love.  Beep.'  'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic … speaking of being positive, your test is back.  Stop sharing the love.”

  • “I'm always on the lookout for something good about people.  Often months go by.”

  • “Do I have opinions that might piss people off?  Yes - that's what I'm here for.”

  • “I am interested in details.  If you go into anything far enough, you get into the details of it, and people turn out to be interested in what makes things work."

  • “The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.”

  • “I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought.  And they say, 'Hey, yeah!'  And they like that.”

  • “I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.”

  • “The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.”

  • “We need people who can actually do things.  We have too many bosses and too few workers.  More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare."

  • “For most of life, nothing wonderful happens.  If you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you’re not going to be very happy.  If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time.  If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.”

  • “I did not believe in the war.  I thought it was wrong to go into any war.  And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind.  I decided we were right going into World War II."

  • “Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper.  About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.”

  • “Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us.  Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.”

  • “Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'!”

  • I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.

  • “It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.”

  • “I've learned ... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.”

  • “My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea.  If you're a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea.”

  • “The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror.  Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.”

  • “Would a real man get caught eating a Twinkie?”

  • “Don't rule out working with your hands.  It does not preclude using your head.”

  • “Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.”

  • “I understand shipping -- you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company -- but what's this handling they always have?  How much does handling cost, anyway?  I don't want a lot of people handling something I'm going to buy before I get it.  How much would it cost if you didn't handle it before you sent it to me?"

  • “I've learned ... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.”

  • “Obscenities ... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated.  A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.”

  • “I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking.  If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.”

  • “People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.”

  • “We're all proud of making little mistakes.  It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.”

  • “When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.”

  • “I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened.  If you're lucky, it could happen to you.”

  • “If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do.  And, it’s usually something more interesting.”

  • “I've learned … That life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

  • Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

  • “For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you.  Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why?  Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.”

  • “I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.”

  • “I've learned … That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.”

  • “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person”

  • “Writers don't often say anything that readers don't already know, unless it’s a news story. A writer's greatest pleasure is revealing to people things they knew but did not know they knew.  Or did not realize everyone else knew, too.  This produces a warm sense of fellow feeling and is the best a writer can do.”

  • "Not many people in this world are as lucky as I've been. ... All this time I've been paid to say what is on my mind on television. You don't get any luckier in life than that." -- from his final 60 Minutes essay, Oct. 2, 2011 – he died one month later at age 92.






We hope that you enjoyed these and have a WONDERMOUS and SAFE Labor Day weekend!!!! 






[i] Andrew Aitken "Andy" Rooney (January 14, 1919 – November 4, 2011) was an American radio and television writer. He was best known for his weekly broadcast "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney," a part of the CBS News program 60 Minutes from 1978 to 2011. His final regular appearance on 60 Minutes aired October 2, 2011. He died one month later, on November 4, 2011, at age 92. 

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