Quantum Handey[i] Thoughts
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By Bubba
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Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't
know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and
collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled
napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet
the busy garbage guy.
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If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of
conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't
think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So
sue me."
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Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in
a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd
look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in
that."
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Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But
not any man is capable of being a good camper. So,
murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
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Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack
in the ground, and if it opened wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail
your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
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I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was
going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to
destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just
then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or
something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon
and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
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I bet when neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would
always end up saying, 'Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.' Then
they would get all embarrassed because they remembered they had the
big husky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
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I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle
of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No,
I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that
to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another
emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something
like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you
pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
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I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark
and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then
they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And
in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too
small. But there's a little doll or something, like a
Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.
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If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd
be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
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Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to
throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle,
and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
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Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because
then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said
"Lassie, go skate for help", she could do it.
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When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or
pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick,
but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.
[i] Jack
Handey an American humorist. He is most famous for his Deep
Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes. Deep
Thoughts were first seen in National
Lampoon in 1984 though gained popularity when they
were read on Saturday Night Live beginning
in 1991.
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