The Border Collie Chronicles

Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs;
(but, without question, the bestest friends!)
or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop.

Posted March 15, 2012

It Ain’t Easy Being A Pirate …

Adapted by Rooney from Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.


So, ye want ta be a pirate, eh?  Well, it be more then just talkin funny and wearin' a bird on yer shoulder, yar!  Lets be coverin' the most important bits o piracy, so ye may pillage and plunder like a true scallywag.



The most important part of piracy!  Thar be much for ye to be drinkin!  Ale, grog, rum, er... well, that all be what ye most likely to find on the high seas.  Well, mainly grog, actually.  Yer captian usually be taking the good stuff, but thar usually be enough grog!  So drink!  The more ye drink the more piratey ye become!  Rum be the perfect drink for a pirate but is elusive because the other bastards drink it and thar be where the famous pirate saying "Why is the rum always gone?".


Tip What do you call a sober pirate?  No one knows, there hasn't been one yet!


Tip A drunk pirate is a happy pirate!  So stay drunk.  Warning!  A sober pirate isn't a pirate but a poser.



After drinkin, fightin' be one o tha most important things o' piracy.  Ye must know these simple rules o' piracy fightin'.

  • Don't get hit by what they be usin!  This rule never failed me

  • Maintain the right drunkedness level.  Too drunk and ye pass out and they be doin' bad things to ya in yer sleep.  Too little and why even bother be a pirate?  Drunkedness improve yar fighting ability.  Well it makes it so you don't care if you get hurt.  

  • Guns are for shootin', swords be for swingin'.  Thar always be some lubber who don't get this rule.  They don't last.

  • Thar also be a mysterious way of fightin that only true pirates can learn!  Ye gotta say something to insult the scurvy dog ye be tryin ta hack apart.  If they can’t think of a good come back, ye can jump in and hack the lubber a new blow hole.  But if they be quick with the wit and the blade, they be turning your sorry insult on yer self!  So stay sharp.

  • Guns - they be useful, but only if ye be sober enough to aim straight.  And if ye be a real pirate, that be NEVER!

  • Swords - It be a long piece o' sharpness that ye use to slice at people.  Just swing until they not be moving.  Always be keepin yer’ blade about ye.  Thar always be some scallywag lookin’ for a piece o’ ye.

  • Yer meaty fists - Go in swingin' if ye got nothing better.  But try ta find something metal and sharp if ye can.

  • Cannon - Good luck draggin' this around with ye!  But if ye can, then it be worth it.  The bigger the better.  They make big holes in things.  What more do ya need?

  • Gun powder - Ay, exploding things be a pirates best friend.  This ‘ere powder be used in yer gun, and yer cannon.  It also be used for making things into smaller things. And Five out of Five pirate crews agree that gun powder be the best lock pick EVER.

Tip Piracy is a career where barfights count as training. Use this knowledge well.


Booty an' Pillaging

The most important thing to a pirate (next to Fightin' and Drinkin') be booty.  This can come in many forms. Here be tha main two:

  1. Wenches - A preferred form o' currency for pirates.  This kind o booty be easy ta get if ye be a manly enough pirate.

  2. Plunder - Pieces o’ eight, Spanish doubloons, jewels, pearls, whatever.  Some lubbers be burying theirs, ta make sure no one else be usin’ it.  They be dumb.  A real pirate should spend it all on grog or wenches!


OK – that's enough of the pirate talk and stuff.  This little essay is just to let everyone know that .. it really ain’t easy being a pirate!  So, now you're thinking what do pirates have to do with BC’s in West Texas … well, more than you think …


You see, I had a little eye trouble a couple of weeks ago.  Mom D took me to Dr. Fish and I got some eye drops (I don’t like eye drops …)!  Not sure if they didn’t work, or if I did more damage, but now my eye is ulcerated!  When dad and mom D got home from helping Dick and Pat last weekend … they immediately noticed the problem, mom D took me to Dr. Fish on Monday morning and HE SEWED MY EYEBALL SHUT!!!!  Really, he did!!  No kidding!


Anyway, dad was in EP (the pope finally responded …) and while he was very concerned about me (Dr. Fish thinks I’ll be ok and will keep my eyeball – but I may have to endure another week of having my eyeball sewed shut!) he immediately began referring to me as Popeye, Ahoy Matey, Winkey Blinkey, and other silly such names.  It REALLY ain’t easy being a pirate, but Patches is teaching me how to "just deal with it" (at least we hope it's just temporary)!



It Ain't Easy Being A Pirate

Click on me for a bigger picture!



March 19 Update:  Mom D took me back to Dr. Fish this morning.  They took the stitches out and Dr. Fish seems to think I'll be ok ... I see ok, but I still have a white spot on my eye (kinda looks like a cataract, but it's not) they say it's scar tissue and it might fade a little, but I'm ok and can't wait to go swimming with Annie and Bubba - and those cats at Dr. Fish's are LUCKY that they were on my "bad eye side"!!





This articles is written in the style of the subject … It is believed to be funny because it is written in the real or imagined writing style and thought processes thereof.  If you do not find it funny, it could be because it hits too close to home and you are evidently taking yourself way too seriously.  If you still do not find the article funny, that is probably because a joke loses its humor when it has to be explained to you.  Just go ahead and click that red X in the top right corner.

Thank you, have a nice day!

Back to ARTICLES Page
This is a "funsy" little website that allows us (that's the BC's) to allow dad to vent about life's ups and downs.
Remember, this is all in fun and isn't intended to hurt anyone's feelings!

If you would like to support this website - that's easy!
Just smile at someone, pat a dog, hug your spouse, help a neighbor, help a stranger, get involved in something worthwhile,
but remember, EVERY DAY, you need to share a laugh with a friend!!!  You can make a difference - START NOW!!!!!!!!

If you enjoyed what you read (or thought about), please let us know at!
God Bless You.

Save a Life!!!
Rescue a BC!



Copyright 2011-2022 -  -  All Rights Reserved

If anyone would even want to publish this stuff though - email us at and I am sure we could work something out.